Friday, November 30, 2007
holly cow
looking through some old text messages while trying to delete them one by one, i found some really old old messages between gorgor and i. they were really sweet coming from a brother like him. for example:
29 oct 07- Hey i'm not mad at you. there's no reason to be mad k? I love you.
29 oct 07- Good luck sis. you can do it! :)
30 oct 07- oh meimei! you know you love me
31 oct 07- I'll be fine. All i need is you meimei!
01 nov 07- Are you happy? i'm proud of you! :)
06 nov 07- i love you.
20 nov 07- thanks meimei :)
20 nov 07- I'll get it for you :) take care. And behave :) love you
these are just random messages. of course there were nasty ones too. but looking at the messages in general, it has changed since him and lorraine started being close. he doesnt say he loves me anymore as meimei, neither does he send me encouraging text like he used to or the good tight hugs he used to random give me.
it's just amazing how when someone likes another, he is totally oblivious to his surroundings. that's just from my point of view. talking to (Kisses) yesterday, i was saying that i actually dont want to butt into their privacy, letting them do whatever. sometimes i feel half happy and half crappy at the same time without knowing why. it just drives me totally crazy. i feel i need someone to slap me in make me wakeup to my senses again. if not then i'll try to escape and go over to the playground and sit on the swings to relax. through the 2 weeks or so that i was totally out of it, i actually realised that there are many friends around me who actually care for me. it's crazy cos they are the ones who really try to help me, coming over to give me a hug and whisper some encouragement into my ears in the process. well, gorgor and lorraine i guess were too caught up in their own world to realise that i really wanted them to hug me and whisper encouraging words to me. that's why i always got so mad. i just wanted some assurance from them that they still cared for me even when they were occupied falling in love with each other. but no. that didnt happen. gorgor talked less to me and laughed less with me. lorraine talked more to him and talked less with me. and both of them got into more fights with me which included a huge chemistry book being thrown at me.
oh well. i always ask myself why God made me know the both of them and introduced them to each other and then like each other. why do i always have to do everything but get left out in return. WHY?!? everyday i ask myself that. what did i do im my past life to make me pay for my sins. then i finally came to realise that maybe God has better things ahead for me. and maybe one day lorraine and gorgor will also realise what i did for them. maybe they wont, but at least i know that i made both of them happy. while i just sit and watch and not being thanked for. i dont wanna sound bitter or resentful.
it's just my feelings i know i can never tell anyone face to face.
stop looking down
brightness will break through, and SHINE @ Friday, November 30, 2007
